The Hellgate Herald

Editorial
The Editor and Staff of the Hellgate Herald would like to apologize to Michael Green for unfounded accusations indicating that he may have been responsible for the placing of Meth in Ash Creekmore’s locker. There is no evidence to indicate Michael Green at this time.

The Bomber
Eden Police department would like to enlist the aid of Hellgate High School students in searching for the False Bomber. A 5,000$ cash reward is offered for information leading to the arrest and conviction of the person or persons who are calling in false bomb reports around Eden, in late September and early October.

Lock Your Doors
The Eden Police department admits that there has been a steady rise in home invasion around Eden. Please lock your homes and garages at night. Keep an eye on your backpacks and purses when out at clubs or parties. The thieves are targeting money, jewelry and small electronics like MP3 Players and other expensive but portable items.

ONP

News flash
Check your lockers. We have it on good authority that Michael Green AND Hellgate's own football champion J. Wong were responsible for placing the meth in Queen Ash’s locker. Why? No one knows. However we ask you readers, are we over reacting to a harmless prank, or is there a more serious motive behind J. Wongs attack on the head cheerleader. Perhaps J. Wong is secretly a Yellow Demon Servant working for Miss Rose Sato? Did you know that they are related, cousins kids. It doesn’t take a brain surgeon to make the connection here. However, our locker room sources state that Rose and Ash are less worried about each other these days and more worried about the Conservative Miss Kay Weaver.

Rumors Fly
The break of of Queen Ash and Donnie Martin is rippling through the school. Did you know Donnie’s brothers are called the Martin Meth-ers? Maybe we have J. Wong all wrong, MAYBE Ash was a victim of convenience for Donnie’s secret stash? Still someone knew the Meth was there and why did they call it in? Well let’s not dwell on yesterdays news. Queen Ash has been spotted with Sam Anderson. Arguably Sam has been acting oddly which some people are chalking up to multiple blows to the head, and frequent hospital stays. This reporter heard he was RUNNING AND SCREAMING in fear on the football field last month and everyone knows he showed up at the Gay Pride Parade in full drag. (Possibly the most frightening person in pink taffita dress we have all ever seen.) Now that Sam seems to have pulled himself together has he crawled back into the closed and locked the door? Sam, it’s ok to be gay! Really. You don’t have to wear an Ash beard. And Miss Ash, with the Big Ds, what is one think? Do we have a fake couple parading around the school pretending to date? Maybe they are right. Maybe Hellgate high isn’t ready for gay royalty… oh, other than Blake.

Dead Sexy and Where
For those of you who flock to the presence of the sexy Guy Ardent, the hotest midget since Tom Cruise, we thought you should know that he DOESN’T go to his own arcade. Clearly the arcade is NOT the place to be. Oh well. There is always the Quarry, or Morning Light.

DISCLAIMER FOR THOSE WHO HAVEN'T CAUGHT ON: The events depicted in the preceding post are fictional. No midgets were harmed in the making of this newspaper.